Friday, May 11, 2012

life's shit like that

Never in my whole life have I been more disappointed in myself than I am now. It feels like everything I have ever worked towards and that all these years of my life I have spent in school have been for nothing. All that is running through my head right now is how stupid I am for not choosing a question in my history paper 2 exam that I was more confident in. It feels like there is so much pressure on me to do well that I forget about what I actually know and I don't allow myself to fully concentrate on the task at hand. Another thought running through my head is how much better I could have answered the question I should have chosen, where I could have talked about treaties such as the treaty of trianon and neuilly, as well as the treaty of Versailles implemented on Germany post-WW1 that caused a lot of tension between many nations within Europe, and how the Great Depression had a massive impact on economies like when the US withdrew their loans to Germany, and Hitler's four year plan leading to an economy preparing for war, and ideologies such as Hitler's aim for Lebensraum and his plans to invade Czechoslovakia and Poland. I could have mentioned other elements that could have caused the second world war, arguing that it was not only treaties, economic policies and ideologies that led to the outbreak of the war. All this I could have written about instead of mixing treaties with alliances, and bullshitting something about ideologies and economic issues that led to the First World War. I find it embarrassing that something with my name on it, that I am completely unsatisfied over, has to be sent to somewhere in the world, representing me. It sucks that everything I have worked for and achieved all goes to waste and everything instead rides upon a few tests, and if I fuck up and let stress get the better of me then I have to carry the grade my shit-ass test produced with me for the rest of my life.
I don't want to have to revert to plan B, I want to go to university and study psychology, but all I can do now is sit here and watch myself sabbotage my own future. And it sucks, it sucks more than anything ever before. I know I can do so much better than what my stress-riddled brain has allowed me to produce so far. But that's life, and life is fucking awful like that.
I know I'm not suffering from cancer, or living through extreme poverty but I can't help but feel like complete shit over this. I put way too much pressure on myself and expect so much more than I am capable of, and when something goes wrong then it feels like nothing will ever go right again. All my life I've had plans for my future and now that I'm at that moment where everything rides on my current actions, it's all too much and I just can't do it. Giving up would be pretty nice but I have to sit through another week being disapoointed in myself then a few weeks waiting to recieve a certain number, my high school grade, that is going to determine what road I may be forced to take in my life.
Please brain just allow me to do well next week because I just don't know if I can handle anymore disappointment in myself.  

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